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[9. 5. 06 // @ 7 : 33 pm] |
scratch everything i've told you.
things have been miserable. me and cole
broke up, plus school is so stressfull
i can't take it. i feel so hollow lately
i don't know if i can keep up a fake facade
for long. i want to seem happy for
everyone, i hate the questions that they
ask, but i can't take it anymore. i have
been having horrible nightmares lately
i can't sleep at all, and i have been loosing
some weight..not that i'm complaining about
that though! haha. anyways me and mom got
in a fight today. i cried my eyes out as
usual. lately i feel like i am the bad guy.
i hate myself and i feel like i should#*($
i don't know? :[
UGH I CAN'T TAKE LIFE. its so hard.
why does god have such a hard plan for me.
am i destined to be something great? is
that why he's testing me now?
what is my plan in life.
i have been thinking a lot and what
i really want to do is go to istanbul
or romania and open up a stand there
in one of the markets. i tell my
friends this and they just laugh in
my face like its a joke. it's not though.
i want to be gone, i want to remain
anonymous. i don't want anyone to know me
it's a lot easier to be alone instead of
being with people who can potentially hurt me.
i know at any moment one of them
can break my heart. and just that aspect
hurts. i don't know how much my heart
can take. its broken as is.
homecoming is coming up.. oh joy! ha
no date... like usual. i'm an old
hag already. no one loves me. and i
mean that. i know they say that shit
but its true. i'm not loved. except
maybe my mom, dad and lillie. but
i want someone else in my life to tell
me they love me and mean it.
oh well, wishes aren't just granted
like that. i might as well stop
wishing.
i get my tattoo next weekend
woo. :] and i get my permit
on the 23 its also the same
day as the eclipse. i think!
how special :]
i have to go. peace
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[8. 28. 06 // @ 1 : 09 am] |
man ohh mann. today was a real
treatt!! i can't go in to details.
it's too long. haha okay so last night
me and cole got in a huge fight.. but
we are better now thank god!
man its hott in arizona!(@#*$ haha.
i'm not supposed to be on the
computer right now becuase i have
school tomorrow. ugh fuck school man
i'm lovin life right now.
okay i have to go
bye
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[8. 25. 06 // @ 12 : 24 am] |
Today was amazinngg@(*# it rained!
arizona NEVER rains. my whole school
(saguaro) was flooded. it was the best
thingg. haha. thank god i wore shorts and
flip flops otherwise i would have been
DRENCHED. hah. but yeah OMG in chemistry
we were doing experiments with balloons and
my teacher is like a fucking physco!!)(#
she turned off the lights and held up a candle
to a balloon and it popped and you could see
FIRE coming out of it like an explosion. and she
did it again with a different balloon only this
time. it blew up so bad that the whole room shook.
i felt like a bomb just hit. me and
faith were like crying()#@*$ after school dylan took
me home, he's now my official ride becuase
my parents don't have time to pick me up! haha
Hayden had to go to court today becuase he
got caught smoking and drinking. what a DUMBASS!
haha. butyeah lillie and i went out "to dinner"
it was fantabulouss!!
i think sarah is coming overr tomorrow
we better do something fun. staying home
is lame and boring. everything is like
closing though. pavillions is going to the
dogss hahaha. and you can't be at
desert ridge past 9 unless you are 16 and older
OMG i get my permit in 2 dayss WOOT WOOT
my sweet 16 is coming up in 4 monthss.
i have no idea what to do for it. i want
to do something fun though... maybe
rent a hotel room? i highly doubt i will
be able to though!! OOHH i want a suprise party
i'm talking to richard on aim right now
he's the only one on. everyone else it too
pussy to stay up past 9 on a school night! haha
k well i am going to go. peaceee
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[8. 14. 06 // @ 2 : 03 am] |
i just got home from england
last night! the flight was scary.
i nearly had a heart attack!!a(#$*
haha. but yeah anyways i am so happy
to be home..everything looks so
big here compaired to england! it's
weird. and the driving on the
other side of the road is weird too!
today was really excited. lillie and i
went to get her car washed and then on
the way to pick up her pay check we
saw the saguaro cheer car wash
(elli and faith are in it) so i went over
and said hi. i wanted to cry i haven't
seen them for so long #($*
after that we went back home and i got
ready becuase we were picking sarah
up)(@#$* ahhh
tomorrow i think i am going to tucker's
houseee. after that whole saguaro crapp.
i'm excited!!! :]
so now i am wide awake and talking
to tucker, richard, and alex haha
peaceee.
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